Feb 18, 2008

How I Lost Over Five Inches And Lived To Tell About It (Barely)

I'm going to make good on last night's promise to Sharon to let you in on my newest journey...why I've lost 5+ inches in two weeks. I warn you now, you'll think I'm off my pumpkin. Swallow your drink first.

I've been doing a month-long intensive program called Vacu-Step followed by an infrared sauna. I get up, put on my shorts and flip flops and head out into the 20 degree day where I arrive at the say-lawn. Flip flops because tennis shoes would make your feet swell AND the laces could get sucked in. Of course! Shorts...because it's 150 degrees in that stinking death box sauna.

The Skirt:


I get there, chat with the gals (my new Vacu Step buds) who are finishing up their 30 minutes--they're a hoot. I must remember to get numbers before I'm finished with my month. I hang up my jacket and Linda (the owner) helps me into my Judy Jetson skirt....no lie. It's a black rubber skirt that looks like the Jetson skirt, except this one zips up the front and has a big nylon belt around it. A belt I affectionately refer to as the sash of death. Linda may be a tiny little thing but she tightens it so tight I sometimes worry my ribs will fall off when I remove it. This is for suction--good suction is required for optimum results! I secretly think I'm adorable in the little Jetson skirt and think I'd like to buy one for myself......

The Machine: This is a rough sketch here...I made it pink because I can. It isn't pink, it's more the shade of white my upper body gets when all the blood is sucked to my feet. On the second time out, I actually did think I was going to faint...I forgot to eat. But back to the routine: I step up the the stairs (C) and enter through the back door (D) onto the elliptical. Spellchecker is broken here, so I'm alternating one and two L's on eliptical. Linda latches the door then hikes my skirt up even with the top of the machine. She does this so she can hook it around the machine, thereby creating a seal. You're thinking Tupperware aren't you?

Letter A illustrates the suction control panel....I start out for 5 minutes on -10 pressure and after that get turned up to -30 for 20 minutes. I'm walking on the elliptical (B in photo) the entire time. My first time in at minus 10 I felt like a rockstar...heck this is nothing! I can do this all.day.long! Suction time has arrived...might have caught a clue when Linda kept asking me if I was ready.

Bring it.

Wait..uh oh...wait...What the...! Are my pants falling down...Linda! Can you reach in there and grab my pants? Oh no, I think the vac is taking me down...I can't stand, I'm falling down into the hole...my whole body is being sucked into my skirt. I'm probably going to die inside the tiny little enclosed jet ski. With no pants and a rubber skirt hiked over my head. I need to pull myself together, this is NOT how I want to be found. Suddenly, my legs found muscles they've never had to use before and I held out. I managed to make it to the cooldown and.then.done. I stumble out of the machine, make it down the stairs and collapsed facedown do a victory dance. That was easy! I valiantly signed up for a month....

Of course I'm all about being sure. So I had to sign up for the infrared sauna, where I will sweat off additional calories AND remove toxins from my innards. I do this for 30 minutes after the Vacu Step machine. I'm not sure I'm less toxic, but I do know I'm keeping up with my Miracle Word readings!

When time's up, I stumble out of the sauna room refreshed. But not appearing to be. I always rummage around my bag and retrieve my big giant sunglasses. I have no makeup on, my hair is wet by now, so are my clothes. And my skin is bright red. I'm thankful everytime I leave that it's only a five minute drive to my house. And THAT is what I've been doing with my mornings for the past few weeks. I measure in again next Tuesday, my final session. I'll let you know.

Oh....and for inquiring minds. The vac suctions your blood down AND opens your fat cells to encourage your fat to melt away as well as cellulite. I wasn't skeptical...my niece Angie works at the salon and sees the results people get. And the side beni of this is that I'm in better shape than I've been in for awhile. I do believe I'll work that rowing machine in the middle of my bathroom when this is over. Not until it's over, though. That would be overkill and I support underkill when exercise is the word.

18 Comments:

Nathan said...

It's Bob Ross! Great drawings. Ha! This story was cracking me up.

I'm not sure I get it. You are in a sauna by yourself wearing nothing but a rubber skirt doing s stair master thing?? Is that the jest? I guess if it works right. But who was the first person to say...rubber skirt...sauna...stair master...brilliant. lol.

Cheers.

Stacey said...

LOL, no no....I'm in the elliptical vacu-machine first THEN I go into the infrared sauna. It's a two-fer. What a deal!

Marie said...

That sounds really interesting. Do you know if men can do it? My dad is trying to lose weight and my husband really needs to.

"Spellchecker is broken here, so I'm alternating one and two L's on eliptical"

LOL mine too, wonder why?

Stacey said...

Yes, men can do it if they wanna wear the Judy Jetson skirt, that is! It takes a real man to wear the skirt, I tell you.

Maybe they figure talent such as ours doesn't need to be confined by the likes of a spellchecker. Maybe....it could be that. idk.

Nathan said...

A real man to wear a skirt?! Okay those that are faint of heart do not go to this link.

http://www.catalyst411.org/uploads/images/kilt%20night.JPG

I am 3rd from the right...and you can't even see my dreads! :(

This was "kilt and man-skirt night" last year during one of our Saturday night gatherings at our place.

Cheers.

Donna said...

That's amazing. But I'm skeptical. LOL.

Kelly said...

Okay, Stace, if you say this works, I believe you, but I gotta tell you, I think I'll stick to the stair stepper and the crunches on my living room floor. This sounds just awful. I'd be afraid I'd burst--squeezing my tummy, butt, thighs could cause an explosion...goodness!

Bubba's Sis said...

That sounds downright scary, Stacey.

My spelchekker duzzn't werk eether.

D... said...

Sooiee, that sounds intense! But I'm happy it's working for you! And, yes, please do support underkill when exercise is the word. We need all the support we can get. ;)

Eileen said...

I have never, ever heard of this, in my entire life. See I learned something new today. I am glad it is working for you and more importantly, that you are sticking to it. That is HUGE!!! Do you feel relaxed, at all, when you are done with the whole 2-step process? Too bad they don't have a pool you can hop in after the sauna, I always feel like jumping in a pool after a sauna.

Anyway, I am happy for you Stacey, 5 inches is a lot!!!
XOXOX

Stacey said...

Eileen--huge with giant uppercase letters? Did ya have to?

And D....did you just say soooiee? Isn't that a hog call? We have that up here in Missouri to, Missy, I heard that! ;)

Trinity said...

Owww Stacey, sounds hilarious but quite worrisome for me.. LOL... but wow... 5 inches!!! Congrats Stacey!

Laura said...

Oh, I am dying laughing here...and if it works, GO FOR IT!

D... said...

I'm from Arkansas. Some things just warrant a hog call! ;)

Bubba's Sis said...

LOL!

Jenny 865-53oh9 said...

Oh Stacey! The pictures help so much! When you explained this to me over the phone I was not gettin' it...but now! Wow...you are brave and crackin' me up!

Go, Judy Jetson!!!

Misty Dawn said...

Stacey - whew sorry it took me so long to comment - I was sitting here reading your blog, and all of a sudden, all these hogs went running by... something about being on their way to D's????? Ya know anything 'bout that?

Darlin' I'm sure you are totally, totally how in your rubber skirt!!!

Angela WD said...

Wha? What? you're doing what? I just can't even imagine the instrument of death you're describing. Is this safe? Is blood supposed to be sucked out of you? Oh my.