How I Lost Over Five Inches And Lived To Tell About It (Barely)

I'm going to make good on last night's promise to Sharon to let you in on my newest journey...why I've lost 5+ inches in two weeks. I warn you now, you'll think I'm off my pumpkin. Swallow your drink first.

I've been doing a month-long intensive program called Vacu-Step followed by an infrared sauna. I get up, put on my shorts and flip flops and head out into the 20 degree day where I arrive at the say-lawn. Flip flops because tennis shoes would make your feet swell AND the laces could get sucked in. Of course! Shorts...because it's 150 degrees in that stinking death box sauna.

The Skirt:


I get there, chat with the gals (my new Vacu Step buds) who are finishing up their 30 minutes--they're a hoot. I must remember to get numbers before I'm finished with my month. I hang up my jacket and Linda (the owner) helps me into my Judy Jetson skirt....no lie. It's a black rubber skirt that looks like the Jetson skirt, except this one zips up the front and has a big nylon belt around it. A belt I affectionately refer to as the sash of death. Linda may be a tiny little thing but she tightens it so tight I sometimes worry my ribs will fall off when I remove it. This is for suction--good suction is required for optimum results! I secretly think I'm adorable in the little Jetson skirt and think I'd like to buy one for myself......

The Machine: This is a rough sketch here...I made it pink because I can. It isn't pink, it's more the shade of white my upper body gets when all the blood is sucked to my feet. On the second time out, I actually did think I was going to faint...I forgot to eat. But back to the routine: I step up the the stairs (C) and enter through the back door (D) onto the elliptical. Spellchecker is broken here, so I'm alternating one and two L's on eliptical. Linda latches the door then hikes my skirt up even with the top of the machine. She does this so she can hook it around the machine, thereby creating a seal. You're thinking Tupperware aren't you?

Letter A illustrates the suction control panel....I start out for 5 minutes on -10 pressure and after that get turned up to -30 for 20 minutes. I'm walking on the elliptical (B in photo) the entire time. My first time in at minus 10 I felt like a rockstar...heck this is nothing! I can do this all.day.long! Suction time has arrived...might have caught a clue when Linda kept asking me if I was ready.

Bring it.

Wait..uh oh...wait...What the...! Are my pants falling down...Linda! Can you reach in there and grab my pants? Oh no, I think the vac is taking me down...I can't stand, I'm falling down into the hole...my whole body is being sucked into my skirt. I'm probably going to die inside the tiny little enclosed jet ski. With no pants and a rubber skirt hiked over my head. I need to pull myself together, this is NOT how I want to be found. Suddenly, my legs found muscles they've never had to use before and I held out. I managed to make it to the cooldown and.then.done. I stumble out of the machine, make it down the stairs and collapsed facedown do a victory dance. That was easy! I valiantly signed up for a month....

Of course I'm all about being sure. So I had to sign up for the infrared sauna, where I will sweat off additional calories AND remove toxins from my innards. I do this for 30 minutes after the Vacu Step machine. I'm not sure I'm less toxic, but I do know I'm keeping up with my Miracle Word readings!

When time's up, I stumble out of the sauna room refreshed. But not appearing to be. I always rummage around my bag and retrieve my big giant sunglasses. I have no makeup on, my hair is wet by now, so are my clothes. And my skin is bright red. I'm thankful everytime I leave that it's only a five minute drive to my house. And THAT is what I've been doing with my mornings for the past few weeks. I measure in again next Tuesday, my final session. I'll let you know.

Oh....and for inquiring minds. The vac suctions your blood down AND opens your fat cells to encourage your fat to melt away as well as cellulite. I wasn't skeptical...my niece Angie works at the salon and sees the results people get. And the side beni of this is that I'm in better shape than I've been in for awhile. I do believe I'll work that rowing machine in the middle of my bathroom when this is over. Not until it's over, though. That would be overkill and I support underkill when exercise is the word.