A Heart Broken Can Still Celebrate!

Christmas is nearing and while I look forward to so many of the wonderful traditions John and I have begun for our family, along with John's family, I dread this one just a little. We'll do Christmas Eve services (I get to be in the choir the first service...apologies all around ahead of time for my friends who read this and attend; but I've always wanted to be in the choir, so you'll have to break my toes before you get me kicked off!). Then it'll be a quiet family night and Christmas Day spent in Platte City with John's family.

There will be a noteable absence in our home this year. We will be missing Nicole this year, she likely won't be home. And while I don't feel led to go into the details of her absence, it's weighing heavily on my heart, and has been for over a month now. We miss her, we worry constantly, and we pray she will change her heart and come home. She's being led away from our family by 'friends' who aren't necessarily interested in her best interests, who tell her what she wants to hear right now. And at 18, there's nothing we can do. I know, I've tried.

And because I love her more than any word has yet to describe my feelings, I'm writing this as a very broken person right now. Our lives have been shattered, I literally live one hour at a time, it's the only way. I simply get through my days right now, but that doesn't mean my days aren't good, I love my life and I love the days God gives me. He keeps giving them to me, so I keep thinking I owe it to Him to try to make them worthy of His time.

I have the friends and family in my life God knew to put before me to draw strength from. And oh boy, I have and I will again. This is simply a season in my life, in her life. And it will pass and I will look back and smile, I'm positive.

I've hesitated posting about this for a myriad of reasons, and some of them still hold true. So I don't want to add a great deal of details about Niki's personal choices; they don't define her and I need to be very careful to protect her now in a time when she can't do that for herself. I write this today for two reasons--first because I've been pretty detached for awhile and I'm sorry. I'm renewing my commitment to my family and friends, that I will step back into my life now full force. And that includes you, I miss being plugged in and I'm excited to get 'with it' again.

Secondly, I post this because Christmas Eve is going to be a toughie. Pray. Pray pray pray pray pray. Please. For me, for my family (the boys are hurting, both of them), and especially for Niki. I honestly believe in prayer, I haven't lost faith through this. No way. If anything, I believe I see God's hand in so many aspects of this--in the way the people who do know have reached out, in the diversions that have been so healing (GiGi & Cat weekend come to mind!). And of course the simplest things now take on far more meaning than they ever did before. Here's one more example:

I opened the mail today (it's been a week since I've been motivated enough to even go out to the box) and had a package. Hmm, I muse, it's from Dawn. Tearing into it, this is what I found:

This ornament says "Joy" and it was about the best pick-me-up I could have asked for. So...like I do like to do, I took a picture with it. I've been baking and shopping all day, so it'd be polite to overlook the non-chic ponytail I've got going on (I say this as if I usually always have chic hair!) I made Dawn a scrapbook page, it's one of those diversions I've been using--learning PhotoShop. I sent this along tonight for her:

Merry Christmas!