Writing A Manual: How To Survive A Niki

Oh it's coming--if the process doesn't do me in before I can finish it.

It's been a very long time--I let many of my friends know by email that I was going to step away from blogging for awhile if not forever. Not because I didn't have time to blog, but because circumstances in my life were so overwhelming I didn't think I could come up with anything to say, let alone find air to breathe some days. For those of you who are the last to know, our daughter, Nicole, is pregnant. It was a devastating blow...but in the end, that's all it is. Just another blow; it didn't destroy us and it won't. I'm STILL getting used to the idea.

Niki is doing well--her morning sickness has passed. She is quickly outgrowing all her 'normal' clothes. But healthy. I've decided while I know it's not always meant to be rude, that I'm tired of watching my friends approach my daughter and ask her 'the question'. Are you keeping your baby? I hate that she feels she has to answer that over and over--and I hate that she feels she has to justify herself. Adoption is such a great choice. But not here. Niki may not have the father (who has treated her so disrespectfully I'd almost rather have dinner with Michelle Obama and Rosie together than have another conversation with him) but she has John and she has me. Our prayer is that one day she will meet a special man who will love her AND her child. And she will.

For now we occupy ourselves with logistics. Her room isn't large enough for a full-sized crib and her stuff. Her room is the smaller of the three kids' because it had it's own bathroom, not the adjoining bath the boys have. Please! Couldn't even fathom mornings if Niki and Cody had to share a shower/toilet.

So I we're thinking of knocking out a wall in her room that opens to quite a lot of unused space. It runs along the upstairs hallway and is large enough for two bedrooms, so we have room. We just need money and/or time to get this done! In the meantime, Niki has been informed babies don't need space. They can even sleep in chest drawers. Ummmm no. I cannot chance my first grandchild encountering the same fate most of her jeans and socks encounter--lost, mis-matched, wrinkled or worse--dirty. I think a drawer is fine for some, but Niki needs to stick with a specific baby spot. We'll get her a bassinet.

So there you have it--I didn't mean to go away for so long, I just couldn't think beyond the hour for so long. But there came a point when I just had to realize what I've been talking about all this time: I am not in control, God is. I can make decisions, but there is a reason God put these trials in my life. It's up to me to keep going.

And I love love love all of you. Your letters have made me smile, kept me laughing, and loved me right through the dark times. I keep saying this, but it's true--blog friends are amongst the best friends!

If I had to find a silver lining, I didn't have to say a thing after the elections. Not.a.word. But omg omg omg...what?!!!

Niki and The Big Family!

Yesterday was good! We had a banquet at church and Niki came. We had spoken to her on the phone the night previous and she agreed to come--and asked if she could bring her boyfriend. Heck yeah you can! At this point, if Niki said she preferred to wear her bathing suit to church over her long johns but only if I let her borrow my Hawaiian Girls Rocket Dog shoes, let me tell ya, I'm going to say yes! And all y'all know that's just not right. I don't share my Rocket Dogs. (You didn't think I'd have issues with the swimsuit and long johns did you?)

So...during service (a good one it was), I looked ahead. In the seat in front of me, my 16 year old son, Cody. In front of him, I could see the back of our 10 year old son, Alex's head, standing next to his big sister. And for years and years this has been a familiar sight. But tonight, I take it in and I know in my heart that the dynamics of our family have been changed forever. Even if she comes home. It won't be the same. Maybe that's good, idk. Far too soon, but I know there's a purpose for this. And I have learned the little things do.not.matter. The love I have for each of my children is all there is in the end, and I need them more than I probably should. I put aside the little things now and I see the bigger picture.

So....prayers are working. I think she enjoyed herself--and I'm incredibly grateful for that church. Niki went from one unquestioning and loving arm to the next tonight. Nobody admonished her, nobody questioned her, nobody held her at arms length. No. They (from the little children through all the adults who love her) opened their arms, declared "NIKI!!" and gave her a big bear hug, kisses on her head, and "I love you's". That was it. I don't think I ever loved my church family more than I did tonight.

My friend Jamie emailed me that she hoped Niki left church feeling loved. She did. I don't even need to ask her, I just know. And I pray along with everyone else that she comes back again and again, because she belongs there. It's her family too, and God gave her a good one in Cornerstone.

Okay okay, I'm done with the weepy stuff. I have cat pictures! It's Niki's cat, GiGi. She's learned (Boo taught her) she can jump higher than she thought she could. She's found the 'nook' in the kitchen Boo enjoys napping in. If he's there and I notice him as I turn to leave the room, it never fails to startle me! He's spooky looking, all black Halloween-ish. GiGi....she's just too dang cuddly wuddly buddly to scare anyone.

A Heart Broken Can Still Celebrate!

Christmas is nearing and while I look forward to so many of the wonderful traditions John and I have begun for our family, along with John's family, I dread this one just a little. We'll do Christmas Eve services (I get to be in the choir the first service...apologies all around ahead of time for my friends who read this and attend; but I've always wanted to be in the choir, so you'll have to break my toes before you get me kicked off!). Then it'll be a quiet family night and Christmas Day spent in Platte City with John's family.

There will be a noteable absence in our home this year. We will be missing Nicole this year, she likely won't be home. And while I don't feel led to go into the details of her absence, it's weighing heavily on my heart, and has been for over a month now. We miss her, we worry constantly, and we pray she will change her heart and come home. She's being led away from our family by 'friends' who aren't necessarily interested in her best interests, who tell her what she wants to hear right now. And at 18, there's nothing we can do. I know, I've tried.

And because I love her more than any word has yet to describe my feelings, I'm writing this as a very broken person right now. Our lives have been shattered, I literally live one hour at a time, it's the only way. I simply get through my days right now, but that doesn't mean my days aren't good, I love my life and I love the days God gives me. He keeps giving them to me, so I keep thinking I owe it to Him to try to make them worthy of His time.

I have the friends and family in my life God knew to put before me to draw strength from. And oh boy, I have and I will again. This is simply a season in my life, in her life. And it will pass and I will look back and smile, I'm positive.

I've hesitated posting about this for a myriad of reasons, and some of them still hold true. So I don't want to add a great deal of details about Niki's personal choices; they don't define her and I need to be very careful to protect her now in a time when she can't do that for herself. I write this today for two reasons--first because I've been pretty detached for awhile and I'm sorry. I'm renewing my commitment to my family and friends, that I will step back into my life now full force. And that includes you, I miss being plugged in and I'm excited to get 'with it' again.

Secondly, I post this because Christmas Eve is going to be a toughie. Pray. Pray pray pray pray pray. Please. For me, for my family (the boys are hurting, both of them), and especially for Niki. I honestly believe in prayer, I haven't lost faith through this. No way. If anything, I believe I see God's hand in so many aspects of this--in the way the people who do know have reached out, in the diversions that have been so healing (GiGi & Cat weekend come to mind!). And of course the simplest things now take on far more meaning than they ever did before. Here's one more example:

I opened the mail today (it's been a week since I've been motivated enough to even go out to the box) and had a package. Hmm, I muse, it's from Dawn. Tearing into it, this is what I found:

This ornament says "Joy" and it was about the best pick-me-up I could have asked for. So...like I do like to do, I took a picture with it. I've been baking and shopping all day, so it'd be polite to overlook the non-chic ponytail I've got going on (I say this as if I usually always have chic hair!) I made Dawn a scrapbook page, it's one of those diversions I've been using--learning PhotoShop. I sent this along tonight for her:

Merry Christmas!

LOVELY Day For A Caftan At The Zoo, Stacey!

I think we all know it's not about the zoo, not about my oldest and youngest bonding so beautifully at the zoo,

or that the weather was spectacular for our trip...or even that my son very clearly determined the sex of that cougar (I think) up on the fence above the walkway and let us all know what he thought!Not even that the wharthog (my personal favorite) saw his shadow. Nope. I think the point is that NOBODY told me not to wear this hideous top outside, that the style combined with the loud color/design scheme made my... ahem...upstairs look very wrong among other issues. Issues such as the cut of the sleeves. Only if my arms were thin, not that they aren't. Okay, they aren't! Nope. Nobody said a *&$# thing about it all day long. Monday night I snagged this at Target on clearance for $4.00 and some change. There were bunches and the price was irresistable. Because apparently EVERYONE ELSE KNEW IT!!!

This is so upsetting to me, I'm going to bed. I've neglected you, my friends, in my commenting of late. I promise I'll be back in Stacey-form tomorrow.

Not making excuses, but here is mine: I was up until 1am typing for deadline day, rose at 6 am for zoo day, home for 30 minutes, 45 minutes each way for a diving meet, home, then laundry. I still might have mustered energy to speak my mind to y'alls posts, but then I downloaded the pictures. And I'm speechless!

PS--Cody took second and I'll post a dive on Friday, I know how much you love the dive posts. You do love them...right?

Senior Year--Might As Well Just Give Her A Blank Check!

Our daughter, Nicole, is having her senior pictures taken today. Ahhh how well I remember senior picture day. No, not really that well. I drove myself downtown, took out my two outfits and went in for the shoot. I think I was done in less than an hour and we were able to choose from about four different poses....all head/shoulder shots, all indoors. Yeah, here it is, it's the picture of me on the right. (I had this made for our anniversary last year--both of us at 17):

So you wonder why on earth is she posting garage sale pictures on this post now? Ha! These are the changes of clothing for the indoor/outdoor shoot:

Not finished--this laundry basket contains jeans, camis, slacks, shoes, jewelery.

And this is the dress she loves, I need to sew a small rip at the shoulders today before I pick her up and take her to the salon. Yes, that' right, salon. Unbeknownst to me, it's a fairly common practice for your photographer to set you up with a stylist/makeup artist before arriving at the studio. I've never been to a makeup artist--but yet Niki will be going today (and pretty pumped, must add). She paid for her own nails...I refused to do that. She shouldn't pick them so much. Yet another luxury I've never had, won't as long as I'm typing all day followed by sticking my hand in five toilet bowls twice a week! Okay okay, once a week..twice if I'm having guests.

And to complete the photo shoot, this is the cat carrier and the cat that will accompany us on the shoot. I do remember my younger sister, four years younger, able to take our dog Buttons to her shoot, so I guess this isn't a new practice. This is GiGi (your namesake, Gi!) and she's Niki's. All three kids have their own cats. Cody's is Boo...he's black. Alex's is Jack-O-Lantern (Jack) and he's orange. Halloween is about my favorite time of year, can you tell? I don't buy into the evil religous arguments--I say if my kids have a good time dressing as characters scary or funny, grab a bag and hit the hood for a bunch of loot, have at it! It's just fun!

So...there you have it, that along with a few minor additions, is what we will haul out to the shoot today. And then the packages start at $200 and to uppppp uppp upppppp.


Got the letter today about senior ads in the yearbook too. They start at $50 for 1/8 page and one photo. $100 for 1/4 page and two photos, $200 1/2 page, $400 full page. John started to put the hammer down...he is right, it's rediculous and almost unaffordable to have a senior. And I know well there are many girls in this town who will not be able to afford the senior pictures and will have to go with the school headshots they will take. And I know for sure there will be parents who simply cannot do the ads. We really shouldn't be doing them either, we've been slammed lately with this kind of stuff.


But then I remind John that our daughter has been through it. I've touched on it off and on in my posts, and maybe will again later, but not now. Just know that this girl has been through excruciating pain throughout her high school days...kids, especially girls, just do not know what they do. I have to believe this. Because if I didn't, then I'd have little faith in human nature. So..I remind John that this is about the last thing we can do to lift her up, cheer her on, in high school. I think we'll swing a 1/4 page ad. Because she WILL get through her senior year and when she does, we will be thankful to God and proud of her like none other!


Senior pictures, check. Senior ad, check. Senior ring, got one. Senior trip, doubt it. Senior moments--I'm starting to have a few.