How I Lost Over Five Inches And Lived To Tell About It (Barely)

I'm going to make good on last night's promise to Sharon to let you in on my newest journey...why I've lost 5+ inches in two weeks. I warn you now, you'll think I'm off my pumpkin. Swallow your drink first.

I've been doing a month-long intensive program called Vacu-Step followed by an infrared sauna. I get up, put on my shorts and flip flops and head out into the 20 degree day where I arrive at the say-lawn. Flip flops because tennis shoes would make your feet swell AND the laces could get sucked in. Of course! Shorts...because it's 150 degrees in that stinking death box sauna.

The Skirt:


I get there, chat with the gals (my new Vacu Step buds) who are finishing up their 30 minutes--they're a hoot. I must remember to get numbers before I'm finished with my month. I hang up my jacket and Linda (the owner) helps me into my Judy Jetson skirt....no lie. It's a black rubber skirt that looks like the Jetson skirt, except this one zips up the front and has a big nylon belt around it. A belt I affectionately refer to as the sash of death. Linda may be a tiny little thing but she tightens it so tight I sometimes worry my ribs will fall off when I remove it. This is for suction--good suction is required for optimum results! I secretly think I'm adorable in the little Jetson skirt and think I'd like to buy one for myself......

The Machine: This is a rough sketch here...I made it pink because I can. It isn't pink, it's more the shade of white my upper body gets when all the blood is sucked to my feet. On the second time out, I actually did think I was going to faint...I forgot to eat. But back to the routine: I step up the the stairs (C) and enter through the back door (D) onto the elliptical. Spellchecker is broken here, so I'm alternating one and two L's on eliptical. Linda latches the door then hikes my skirt up even with the top of the machine. She does this so she can hook it around the machine, thereby creating a seal. You're thinking Tupperware aren't you?

Letter A illustrates the suction control panel....I start out for 5 minutes on -10 pressure and after that get turned up to -30 for 20 minutes. I'm walking on the elliptical (B in photo) the entire time. My first time in at minus 10 I felt like a rockstar...heck this is nothing! I can do this all.day.long! Suction time has arrived...might have caught a clue when Linda kept asking me if I was ready.

Bring it.

Wait..uh oh...wait...What the...! Are my pants falling down...Linda! Can you reach in there and grab my pants? Oh no, I think the vac is taking me down...I can't stand, I'm falling down into the hole...my whole body is being sucked into my skirt. I'm probably going to die inside the tiny little enclosed jet ski. With no pants and a rubber skirt hiked over my head. I need to pull myself together, this is NOT how I want to be found. Suddenly, my legs found muscles they've never had to use before and I held out. I managed to make it to the cooldown and.then.done. I stumble out of the machine, make it down the stairs and collapsed facedown do a victory dance. That was easy! I valiantly signed up for a month....

Of course I'm all about being sure. So I had to sign up for the infrared sauna, where I will sweat off additional calories AND remove toxins from my innards. I do this for 30 minutes after the Vacu Step machine. I'm not sure I'm less toxic, but I do know I'm keeping up with my Miracle Word readings!

When time's up, I stumble out of the sauna room refreshed. But not appearing to be. I always rummage around my bag and retrieve my big giant sunglasses. I have no makeup on, my hair is wet by now, so are my clothes. And my skin is bright red. I'm thankful everytime I leave that it's only a five minute drive to my house. And THAT is what I've been doing with my mornings for the past few weeks. I measure in again next Tuesday, my final session. I'll let you know.

Oh....and for inquiring minds. The vac suctions your blood down AND opens your fat cells to encourage your fat to melt away as well as cellulite. I wasn't skeptical...my niece Angie works at the salon and sees the results people get. And the side beni of this is that I'm in better shape than I've been in for awhile. I do believe I'll work that rowing machine in the middle of my bathroom when this is over. Not until it's over, though. That would be overkill and I support underkill when exercise is the word.

What HAVE I Been Up To?

Niki has come back home, and while we're very glad to have her home, we also know it may not last. For some reason, it does feel a little better this time, so I'm praying this is final. She's making some good decisions about the people she hangs out with, and many of them on her own, so we're cautiously optimistic. More optimistic than not, though. But cautious.

We did get some bad news from the school--she won't graduate with her class this year, there have been too many absences and she can't possibly catch up so quickly. So....John and I are taking it in stride and told Niki she could go back for a semester in the Fall. She didn't like it, but she also accepts that this is a consequece of her decisions. So....if she chooses not to do that, she'll get her GED and start community college in the Fall. We told her from that point, so long as she makes good choices and keeps her grades up, she can still do just about anything she wants to do with her life. Of all the things we've been scared silly about these past three months, that really is the least of our worries--she can overcome that. She'll always regret it, but again, that's a consequence.

She's in the kitchen making cookies for Valentines Day (Happy VDay, btw), something she hasn't done in ages (baking). And she actually asked to come to church with us tonight--and I love how my true friends, the family that loves her dearly, welcomed her back again with hugs. I have a few friends who, for some reason, don't seem happy she's turning around, but I figure that's not my problem. Life probably isn't going so great for people like that and honestly, I'm just not able to care about their meanie people issues as much as I used to. One of the things I've learned through this process is that I don't have time to get worked up about things I can't change, and that's an example of that. Be devastated when your child is failing and she's your biggest cheerleader. See your child turning around and she's throwing her pom poms in the corner. But what surprised me most is that while I noted it and while I'm taking time to write this, I'm not terribly worked up about it. Now that revelation feels good, in a detached sort of way!

Anyway....tomorrow I take Alex to the movies. He doesn't want to go to school, but he wants the Valentine's party. So we decided cupcakes and a movie would be the next best thing. Niki's going to collect job applications and Cody has a job interview. He's very nervous, say a prayer for him if you think of it. He's interviewing with a regional pool management company to lifeguard the area pools. He hopes to get on at the Parks and Rec pools as well as some of the neighborhood pools, possibly ours. They'll certify him as well--but he lives in the water, that shouldn't be a problem. I'll let you know.

I've been busy in the mornings doing a strict workout program at a local spa, I'll tell you all about it in a few days. You'll probably think I'm whack. But hey, results, baby, so really do.not.care. I've lost two inches in my waist, on around my hips and one one each thigh. AND.....I'm feeling amazingly energized and I actually think I'll supplement that with a workout on my rowing machine now. It's not a lot of progress, but for two weeks, I have a little hope those old capris and shorts just might fit mid-Spring. Curious, aren't ya? No worries, I'm going to tell you, just...not....tonight! Muahahahahahaha!

PS--I love remixes of my favorite songs....it kinda gives me an excuse to be my retro self!

My Morning Walk Run Burn

The other day a friend told me if I really wanted to lose weight I'd need to alternate jogging with walking. It sounded about right to me...so I approached Kristy, my walking bud, with this. I worried, she's a couple of years older, she's far more girly than I and....well she's quiet. Quiet people don't run! She agreed, though, so this morning we began. Starting off with a walk, I turn to Kristy, my face exudes the compassion I have for her. Poor thing, she's not going to make it. And we were off...

We're jogging a good pace...it felt exhilarating, the wind in my face, arms (even the lame one) working it, we look good. Rounding corner one, heading for two, starting to breath harder, then really hard. Might be hurting by now, yes, the burn sets in.

I'm suffocating on my own breath. I'm NOT stopping first, I'm young and tough. Thoughts did race through my mind--is it possible to suffocate running? Can lungs spontaneously combust? If I had the energy, and if I stuck my foot in Kristy's path just enough...would she call foul? Why doesn't she stop! Are you KIDDING me? She's smiling, she's chattering away, I refuse to cry uncle, I answer her (two second intervals between words). This is ridiculous. I planned out that I would be the strong one!

We made it to the corner, I slowed my breath long enough to say, "ready to walk?" Far too much lilt in her "oh..yeah sure!". Walking on a slight incline, I worry I may die on the spot. Atop a neon orange phallic symbol on the curb, courtesy of neighborhood kids set loose with spray paint. They line the curbs and deck the community mailboxes in our neighborhood, some with happy faces, some have hats, even some phallic girls. All special and all unique. Thanks, kids, we done needed some class around here. But I don't want to die on one.

A very long 30 minutes later, a few more sprints followed by walks, and we parted ways after agreeing this was 'great', that we'll do it again in the morning. I round the corner for home (treated to a glimpse the neighbor rinsing his keg in his shorts--it's 30 degrees outside) and poured a cup coffee. And toyed with the brownie, but that's a lot of burn to get that off, I left it!