Okay, But I Refuse To Count The 9 Build-A-Stacey Months!

It's official, I am 40. I wasn't feeling it yet; sure I had the birthday last month and I load on the Oil of Old Lady every night without fail. I have a counter filled with prescriptions and supplements. But me? 40? Nope, it didn't register like that for me.

Until yesterday. Alex complained his eyes hurt, so I called the optometrist we use. He had an opening in the afternoon. Great! And would I like to come in too, there was another opening? Hmm...clicking finger tips (no nails) on the counter. I didn't really want to go, in fact I'd avoided it my entire adult life. Sure I needed reading glasses from time to time, mostly for reading small print on my work and the Bible. But my vision is fine. Besides, if I were truthful, I avoided eye doctors. My sister's cancer was a rare melanoma, a tumor detected when her eye doctor dilated her eyes. I have no excuse other than extreme fear.

They needed an answer and my mind was racing while I heard someone who sounded a lot like me say "okay, sounds good to me."

Alex went through the thorough exam, checked out just fine. My turn came and I just focused on what the doctor was saying, nothing else. Soon it was done, no tumors. But the reading thing was an issue and I had an ever- so- slight correction in my right eye. I didn't NEED glasses for distance, but it would make things a bit clearer. Bifocals would be very helpful he said. Especially at church where I'm reading, looking up, reading, looking up. I must admit, I can't tell if Chuck is convicting ME in his sermons anymore (whew!) so I assume if he's making a point and looking my way, he must be talking to Cat or someone nearby. Probably Cat. Or John. Could be John.

Bifocals? Pshh! No. I don't need those, my dad wore those! I sat there waiting for him to finish writing (I think he was writing stubborn middle-aged mom, she'll be back). Ohhhhh! Alright! I'll get bifocals. It would be nice, especially at church where my eye focus is constantly changing from Bible to speaker.

Word. You can shop for new frames with your eyes dilated. But trust your salesperson. She pulls half a dozen frames, all built to help minimize the extreme basketball shape of my face, and I commence trying them on. She'd say ewww. Or burst into laughter as I stand there squinting in desperation--I can only make out the outline; I think she's pointing and laughing, but I'm not sure. Finally she puts a pair on and says "Oh, Stacey, these are great! The green looks so great with your complexion and dark eyes". Green? "Really?" I ask, gazing into the mirror..wait, that's the salespersons face not mine....okay found it! "Really." she affirmed. "But they're GREEN! I can't show up at church with green glasses; no more than I could wear a pair of pink glasses." With that, she slowly puts a pair down and slides it away.

I tell her if she thinks the style on my face now is good, then find it in another color. Find brown. She finds something similar in 'tortoise', brown. Lined in what I thought could be green, but she called it honey. Translated to mean they could be yellow, can't tell. Then the guy salesman bounces over "Oh Stacey (they know me because I'm there often with Niki) those look goo-ood. And look at these!" He produces a pair of designer sunglasses. While it's blurry, he is so excited about them I know they MUST be tres chic. I'm debating. I want 'em. Oh my gosh could you just SEE me?! No $12 on sale at Kohl's sunglasses for me anymore. Wait wait wait...."you're good guys! Very good. But I don't need a pair of sunglasses for READING!". They giggle at the ridiculousness of it too, then still in sales mode, tell me I could see the speedometer better. I didn't even know I HAD a speedometer, just ring up the one pair please.

$300 + later Alex and I are feeling our way out of Target Optical. He is wearing the standard disposable issue sunglasses for his dilated eyes. I had my own. We get outside and Alex, knowing he is struggling to see so I must be too, says "Mom, I'd rather walk home." I don't tell him I've already considered it, we don't live too far. "Nonsense, I can see; didn't you hear the doctor tell me it was safe for me to drive?" Where in the HECK is my car? Arm in arm we navigate the parking lot. I put the keys in the CD player ignition......Hayyy I DO have a speedometer.

So just like that, I own 40. Next week, I will have bifocals. And I have no idea what they look like. Tortoise and honey. Sounds like a storybook tale for children to me.